I normally give them back…eventually.
But I have this collection, in my mind, of all the jumpers I’ve ever worn that weren’t mine, all the coats draped around my shoulders and all the side-effects of the question “are you cold?”
Currently I’m sat in a fluffy coat, slightly over-warm that belongs to my Grandfather.
To think of all places he’s been, stories he’s heard and things he’s said in this coat is what makes me happy. I’ll keep it for an hour or so before returning it. But if it were anyone else I might not.
When I put on the jumper of a guy I’m dating with slightly pulled sleeves or signs of wear I’m putting on a piece of them.
When they disappear, even for a little while, when I pretend I’ve accidentally packed them or forgot where I put them it tends to be because I want to hold onto whatever it is that little bit longer as I travel.
I’m not a kleptomaniac. I collect and “borrow” stories not things.
I like reserved train tickets that nobody collects. Such a shame to waste something reserved especially for you.
I like to pick up big orange leaves that other people would never see.
I like to write about people I see on trains that are mysteries. I once thought a guy was a part of something really cool because of a logo emblazoned on his brief case….the actual results were so disappointing I won’t share them with you.
I guess I just like stories, other peoples lives, things that both have and haven’t been and things that aren’t mine that can belong to me for a little while covertly.
I also like that I’m sharing this with complete strangers,
I’m walking through a shop and I see a guy with a lovely tweed jacket, my first thought was why don’t they make those in tall.
I’m not against short boys, heaven knows that would make my life a lot more difficult but as a girl of 6′ something I do wish they made a lot more in tall.
Not just boys but dresses and shoes and houses.
I’m basically an elf and although I love who my am it’s not infrequent for me to be the person reaching things, intimidating men below my height quite accidentally and being asked “Can you see [my friend/bag/future]?” In clubs and daily life.
I spent a year in a city where my height was the first thing accounted for. Now living in a small Welsh village finally it’s not “Gosh your tall” but “Hello, what’s your name?”
It’s a relief but for once in my life I’d like a slightly higher mirror, a slightly taller cupboard and a sink I don’t have to bend down a little to reach.
Anyways, it’s Thursday aka my very own fire works night.
My dear grandma has made lobby (a northern stew type thing), my brother is jovial with the christmas lights he has put in the back of his car s he tells me he has sparklers…which in turn makes me very happy. So I’m going to put on my gloves, stop eating chocolate buttons and prepare for some childlike delight to flicker across my gaze as my heart is warmed with some beautiful home-made food.
Remember not the fifth or November but don’t forget to remember. Not treason or plot, just what you’ve got.
My heart bursts as flames in colour tear through the sky, never quite reaching me as they fall. The smell of hot dogs and the taste of a toffee apple permeates my scent, my taste until my senses are filled with the sounds of the season. It’s too soon for Christmas but not too soon to wrap up warm and enjoy the frost. Never forgetting what we’ve got. My tiny cousins growing to fast and the rest of the family are here, I’m home. One more night in a comfort that will never be gone. I’m grateful.
The most beautiful cover of a classic song by one of my favourite artists to help wind down after almost 12 hours essay writing.
Throw back Thursdays with a difference.
I’ve learnt a few things about myself, even if I can’t say much else for certain and what better way to start a new chapter than by introducing your character as she begins.
So here’s me, a twenty-year old student living in the smallest part of Wales having made some pretty big decisions to get there:
- I have a severe crush on art, photography and visual beauty. Black and white photography inspires something in my mind I can’t quite explain, maybe it’s the love of contrast and the areas of grey which say so much or maybe it’s just how provocative a lack of colour, something laid bare can be.
- My love for trains is still as undying as it was when as an 8 year-old child. I don’t care too much to learn about their composition but I was sat in a train station yesterday waiting to head home when I notices some steam trains. queue excitable Facebook status and smile.
- I have learnt that contrary to my own fear growing up doesn’t mean losing heart for all, it just means learning to put that heart so strongly into things that we are a little more tired, that a smile may not always be visible but it can always be there and that some deep part of ourselves can appreciate more of the complexity and chaos in the forever that lies before us with the hazy days that have been.
- I study philosophy but I have a long way to go. Everyday I can learn a new theory with such a minute difference to the last one but with such big consequences it literally blows my mind! I don’t think we can every know everything but that’s a beautiful thing because it means if we choose a good selection no-one can ever say we’re not infinitely unique…and despite ideas of determinism that means we chose ourselves for ourselves!
- Family are so important to me. It doesn’t matter who I don’t get on with that well, who’s cooking I don’t like or who winds me up until I want to explode, the ones who are there for me when I need them are the ones I will always keep in my heart. Friends change so do the places you live, boyfriends, girlfriends and everything in between and it’s true that you do get a say in your family but those who are and always have been there for you will support you and eventually matter more than anything else. I don’t always show it but that’s not what counts most anyway.
- Sparkling in many senses is something I aim to do always. A sparkle in my eye, glittery lip gloss, even the accentuation of polka dot laces in my red Doc Martens. It’s important to me to always feel like I’m shining. It might so silly or vain but if I can brighten my day a little I might help someone else do the same.
- I love to read, but in considerations of time I actually just watch a lot of movies and listen to a lot of music. I have over 90 playlists on Spotify, a brand new shiny Netflix account which so far has been used for Reign and the Gilmore Girls and Youtube regularly suggests I listen to Coldplay-The Scientist on repeat when I’m sad. My Browsers know me well, my books are a more neglected topic.
- And finally, because I’m sure you have enough to go on, all I really want to do in the world is write, since I was old enough to hold a crayon and write on whatever surface was available (including the furniture) I’ve know what I want to do.
So there’s what I know that I wanted to share a little of with you before I begin the story. I’m a 20-something still learning and despite the expectations of me increasing by the day I’m making the most of now. The beautiful moments in which I walk.
I’m slowly easing into the idea that being older has certain types of responsibilities and that twenty is going to be a year to get used to knowing that after 21 things are going to become really real.
The days of long-nights, endless re-application of lip gloss and being able to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it are fading quickly. The last time I saw 5 am was last time I went travelling, when I make it to a 9:15 lecture with make-up on it’s probably because I was lucky enough to wake-up that way and the thought of a tub of Ben&Jerry’s makes me feel gross.
But all is not lost because in making it this far I have survived a few things:The Teen Pregnancy Years (I’ve been known to kill cacti, I think I need a puppy first), I am almost at 100% in recovering from M.e; It’s going to be with me forever but it will never stop me, The “everybody is getting engaged” stage I’m happily working on me because as cute as it is being proposed to from the fish tank in the Sea life Center (Yes, I know someone who did this!) I’m waiting on a man who knows me when I know myself and finally, I survived all the times I ran across the road without looking, most of the times I could have been caught doing something I shouldn’t and I’ve never woken up in Russia in an ice bath minus an organ. I think I’m doing pretty well.
No make-up Mondays are about making time for me. Not being bare-faced (because frankly I’m going to optimize what I’ve got for as long as I can and putting on make-up can be really cathartic). So today I sat and read, I’m reading a book called “Not that Kind of Girl” by Lena Dunham and it’s pretty inspiring. This is the first biography I have ever read and considering how much I love to delve into the inner depths of peoples’ lives I can’t believe I’ve never even bought one before.
After this I started writing and felt inspired, page after page of words I’ve been looking for, for months! And here I am on my first no make-up Monday starting a brand new chapter for you all to read along with. The good, the bad and the undoubtedly ugly.
Here we go,