Waking up in a cold and desolate place was hard: The light streamed in through a crack in the heavy blackout curtains. I’d pour myself into the water that streamed over my skin and dissolve into my own mind.
Readying myself to say goodbye to the harsh daylight was harder: Stepping outside and knowing that those few moments in a morning were the fresh air that I would breath, the life that I would see and the only real ground I would feel beneath my feet until night had fallen.
Everyday for months I would lose the natural light, say goodbye to the real world and play at politeness with people who were consumed within themselves.
Everyone has a tipping point, a breaking point.The day where my morality was questioned was that day.
And so I relished those moments outdoors and drew energy to change. I was blessed with a single chance.
I shed the weight like a tree shaking off its leaves to embrace winter, and then shedding the cold snow as it thaws.
Here I am, emerging. The light is harsh but the beauty it reveals is worth the strain it brings to my sight.
Hello daytime, I look forward to waking up and all the things that follow.
I look forward to writing them down.
I’m slowly easing into the idea that being older has certain types of responsibilities and that twenty is going to be a year to get used to knowing that after 21 things are going to become really real.
The days of long-nights, endless re-application of lip gloss and being able to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it are fading quickly. The last time I saw 5 am was last time I went travelling, when I make it to a 9:15 lecture with make-up on it’s probably because I was lucky enough to wake-up that way and the thought of a tub of Ben&Jerry’s makes me feel gross.
But all is not lost because in making it this far I have survived a few things:The Teen Pregnancy Years (I’ve been known to kill cacti, I think I need a puppy first), I am almost at 100% in recovering from M.e; It’s going to be with me forever but it will never stop me, The “everybody is getting engaged” stage I’m happily working on me because as cute as it is being proposed to from the fish tank in the Sea life Center (Yes, I know someone who did this!) I’m waiting on a man who knows me when I know myself and finally, I survived all the times I ran across the road without looking, most of the times I could have been caught doing something I shouldn’t and I’ve never woken up in Russia in an ice bath minus an organ. I think I’m doing pretty well.
No make-up Mondays are about making time for me. Not being bare-faced (because frankly I’m going to optimize what I’ve got for as long as I can and putting on make-up can be really cathartic). So today I sat and read, I’m reading a book called “Not that Kind of Girl” by Lena Dunham and it’s pretty inspiring. This is the first biography I have ever read and considering how much I love to delve into the inner depths of peoples’ lives I can’t believe I’ve never even bought one before.
After this I started writing and felt inspired, page after page of words I’ve been looking for, for months! And here I am on my first no make-up Monday starting a brand new chapter for you all to read along with. The good, the bad and the undoubtedly ugly.
Here we go,